Assertiveness for Socially Anxious People

June 4th, 2010 by admin

What is the biggest secret about how to be assertive in relationships? So often we go against our own wishes in an attempt to please others. As a result, we often feel resentful or angry for giving in to their demands. How can we respond to the desires of others while still respecting ourselves? In this article I will reveal the best way to be assertive, without being aggressive, pushy, or compromising yourself.

Before I reveal the biggest secret for being assertive in relationships, I want to make sure you are clear on what I mean by being assertive. Being assertive is not a bad thing. In fact, it means to be decisive, self-assured, positive, and confident. And, being assertive doesn’t mean that you have to anger others, be pushy, or act inappropriately. Many times we decide against asserting ourselves because we don’t want to be perceived as aggressive or mean. We will do almost anything to keep up the façade of being “nice.” But does this really serve us?

Also, before I reveal the secret, I want to address reasons why we refuse to assert ourselves. One of the biggest stumbling blocks is fear. Fear arises when we imagine that a negative outcome will result if we finally stand up for ourselves and refuse to always acquiesce to the demands of others. We imagine people will leave us, we will lose a friendship, we will be fired, we will lose a customer, or that others will think poorly of us.

But the truth is you don’t know what will happen when you assert yourself. The outcome could just as likely be positive. It might open up a deeper level of communication or strengthen an understanding and friendship between yourself and someone else. Also, those who are truly your friends, those who truly love you, will love you for being you, not because you do whatever they want. If they are only in relationship with you for what they can get from you, you are probably better off without that particular relationship in your life. So, if you are going to imagine an outcome, why not imagine a good one? This will dissolve your fears, and allow you to be present in the moment when you assert yourself.

So what is the secret to asserting yourself in a relationship? The best way is to imagine how you would counsel a dear friend about the situation you are facing. This will give you guidance on the best way to proceed. Often, we will stand up for others more than we will stand up for ourselves. We feel indignant when others are wronged, or their boundaries are violated. We come to the rescue of somebody who has been forced to do things because we see his or her inherent value as a human being. But the truth is you are a “somebody,” too. Think of yourself this way, and you will know the best way to assert yourself in any situation.